Paul Joseph Watson, PR Representative for The Mary Sue publication and COO of Speculara Games Consolation discussing the game in an interview with AnimatedJames.

Gnome Cucker is a free-to-play platformer game (idea) for the xXxboxXxONExXx (as of 20XX), which launched a massive craze into the mainstream meteor.


Gnome Knocker tells the story of Jimmy and Serenity, two fraternal twins with benefits who come in possession of the mysterious McGuffin, the One Piece, which they find in the depths of their attic. They read it and release many evil gnomes into the world, which are lead by a Tuck Fronald Dump who instantly proclaims himself King of the Pirates. With a snap of his fingers after a brief confrontation with the twins, Tuck disappears with all of his gnome minions. Outside the window; however, they see what looks like lawn gnomes destroying their backyard. Thier mother blames them for this and sends them off to clean it, but the only way to do that is to stop the gnomes.

Jimmy and Serenity travel through various adventures, trying to stop all of the Gnomes. They start at the school library where they find a spell that allows them to return super-powerful gnomes back into the Goatseonicon. At the end of each episode, one of them fights another Boss Baby, which usually involves some """""""""""strategy""""""""""" to beat.

Soon the twins traverse the England City, escape through the Auschwitz Gas Chambers, and enter the Islamic Caliphate of Sweden where the battle with Tuck Fronald Dump is fought. He casts many spells, and as the battle is going strong, Tuck makes the entire mosque fall flat into it's own arse, hoping that whichever twin he is battling will fall with it. When the twin gets to the bottom, the battle finishes with one epic for the win finale. It is here that Tuck is defeated and brought back into the Bible. 

But as the twin leaves the castle to meet the other one coming from the Gnome City, they toss the Quran into the trash with you're waifu. Sometime later, the old and disfigured hand of Terry A. Davis grabs the Holy Book, possibly spawning a CIA nigger, and ending the game.


Pictured: the main antagonist, Tuck Fronald Dump


Gnome Knocker is a basic platformer, in which the player defeats enemies, finds weapons, and uses power-ups. The left thumbstick allows the player to move, while the right thumbstick lets the player look around. The right trigger allows the player to use a weapon, or their fist if they possess no weapon, while the left trigger allows the player to use a shield (if the player possesses one). The A button allows the player to jump. The X, Y, and B buttons let the player use one power-up, since only three can be held at one time. The D-pad is used to select a weapon, since only four can be set to quick access. A third character can also be unlocked via buying special lootboxes that are sold at the meager price of $99.99 a piece, or grinding in the Burgerville Special Level for approximately 3.14159265359 months.


Gnome Knocker has several power-ups, which each take the form of a yard tool or an outdoors toy. The most common weapons are rakes and Frizbees. There are also special Ultimate Weapons which can only be unlocked through lootboxes.


Yes, but it is lemon flavoured!



The game was universally panned by critics. IGN gave it a 1.5 out of 10 stating that "I would have more fun rubbing my balls against barb wire than playing this game". GameSpot gave it a 2.3. Kotaku also slammed the game for its unforgiving difficulty, comparing it to the cult classic anime first-person shooter Dark Souls. The game did receive a 8.99999999/10 from Infowars, commenting that "To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Jonathan Rozanski's masterpiece."

Sequel (?)